Pregnancy Grief Doesn't Correlate with Pregnancy Length
September 12 I had a conversation this week with a young colleague that was one of those short but profound exchanges. He shared that he...
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Hope After a Pregnancy Loss
Loss in Pregnancy
Hi, I'm Hope, a retired high school librarian from Mississippi. Years ago I lost triplets at 24 weeks. This is my story. I hope that sharing my story will help you.
Home: Welcome
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You've had a loss in pregnancy?
That gives us something in common. I have had a loss in pregnancy, too. In the early 1980s when this happened to me, there were few resources for women who had a pregnancy loss. I longed for someone to share her experience with me. I found one book, but I never found another person to talk with about my experience until I was in my 40s and began to see my wonderful counselor.
This is why I am here. After the loss of my precious babies 38 years ago, I am choosing to finally let go of the silence that surrounded their loss. I hope that this page will help lessen the silence that women , including you, still experience today after a pregnancy loss.
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My Story
When I was 24 weeks into my first pregnancy, my doctor discovered I was one centimeter dilated. I was hospitalized that day. A sonogram revealed that I was expecting triplets. The next day my water broke and my babies were born with "barely discernible" heartbeats. They did not survive. I was later diagnosed with an incompetent cervix.
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What Do I Say...
when people make hurtful comments?
After I lost my babies, I found that my friends and acquaintances wanted to be sympathetic and say something, but often what they said was painful. I heard these comments:
"Heaven needed another angel."
There was probably something wrong with the baby."
"You will have another baby."
"My sister (or cousin or best friend or a lady I work with) had a pregnancy loss and now she has another baby."
These comments were meant to be helpful and sympathetic; but, for me, they were not. Nor could I think of something to say that expressed my feelings and that wasn't unkind. So I stayed silent.
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I want you to have something to say in response to these well-meaning but hurtful comments. Here are some ideas:
If you simply don't want to respond, maybe just a "thank you" will work.
"I would like to have my angel here with me."
"Another baby won't replace the one I lost."
"I'm sure your sister (or cousin or best friend or the lady you work with) would like to have both babies."
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Learn More
Don't try to do this on your own. It's too hard. If you are a reader, there are books that will help. If you need to talk with someone, there are counselors (LPCs) who are trained to help you through this loss. Just don't try to go it alone.
Below are some of the resources I have found to be most helpful to me. Let me know if you have found a book, website, etc. that has been particularly meaningful.
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Resources
Death of a Little Child, by J. Vernon McKee
Booklet
A friend of my mother's gave this to me a few months after the triplets were born. It was the first resource that I read after my babies were born. I found it so comforting. I have since given it to several mothers who have lost babies.
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Mourning Song, by Joyce Landorf Heatherly
Book
I read this several months after the triplets were born. Written by well-known Christian author, the book details the loss of three family members, including her infant son.
Licensed Professional Counselors (LPC)
Counseling Support
One of the most healing actions I took was to see my wonderful LPC (Licensed Professional Counselor. Being able to talk about my loss with a caring counselor has made all the difference for me. In fact, this website was her idea. LPCs are trained to listen and guide.
Healing Your Grieving Heart After Stillbirth: 100 Practical Ideas for Parents and Families by Alan D. Wolfelt and Raelynn Maloney
Book
Each of the 100 entries is only one page long and provides insight into one specific aspect of one's grief. I had only read through page 2 before I found a statement that helped my heart: "You first have to say hello on any pathway to goodbye."
Almost a Mother : Love, Loss, & Finding Your People When Your Baby Dies by Christy Wopat
Book
This book resonated with me because the author's first pregnancy resulted in the loss of her twin babies. Also, she is a teacher. I could identify. Her book is described as "gut-wrenching" which I agree with. I chose this book because of a quote on the back of the book: "I just wanted to know that I wasn't crazy because I wanted to punch the pregnant lady at Target in the face."
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My Spiritual Story
I would never have had the strength to walk this journey without the assurance that God my Father has been right beside me. My faith in God does not mean that I should have been protected from bad things in general and the loss of my triplets in particular. We live in a fallen world. BUT the Father has not deserted me! My Father has provided peace and comfort and love and hope for me all my life, even in the sad and difficult and confusing times. I am not looking for an explanation; I'm looking for love and peace and comfort. God the Father, Jesus the Son, and the Holy Spirit have given me these.
If you ask the Father for help, He will give it to you.
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"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you." Matthew 7:7 NIV
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"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life. For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through him."
John 3:16-17
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